eggshells and stagnated bullshit

whatever.

annoyed.

frustrated.

watching people waste their time and lives in useless circles irritates me.

WATCHING PEOPLE I TRULY CARE ABOUT IS ABOUT THE WORST THING EVER.

i WATCH MY CLOSEST friend just do these thing and complain and rant and vent about their lives but they just dont really change anything about their lives, they dont seem to look for the lessons in the things that happen to them. i can talk and talk and listen and try to get them to look in a new direction only to watch them sink back into their mudhole, to wallow and whine.


i hate it. its as bad as my mother. i think she is taking a stepforward and then there she goes three steps back.

i try to get them to focus on working for the future but they are just so stuck doing things in these weird not getting anything done ways.

its frustrating and heartbreaking and i cant do shit for them.

i have so much going on in my own life when i do take time away from reading, gaming, my man or my kid to spend time on them i dont wanna spend it talking over the same shit they wont change.

i feel so ignored and i just dont feel like i have friends anymore.

somedays i dont want to even talk to them. i dont want to hear the new drama the wrapped them selves in in their desparate attempt to escape life.

all i hear are excuses and bullshit.

i have tried being gentle and nice but i just cant do it.

im not nice.

im a realist. i look forward and plan ahead. if something goes wrong i cant waste time figuring out why or who caused it. i learn how to avoid it happening again and fix things.

i feel like im losing them, but i cant use up all my spare energy and time trying to help them when they dont want to help themselves.

they are their own people, and sometimes you just gotta let people make their own mistakes.

whatever i guess.

Jeff

I didnt think you would be important in my life.

you told me you didnt date when we met because you were selfish

i didnt think about dating you.

i just wanted to know what you were like in bed.

cause im selfish.

i do things out of pure curiosity.

i do things because im selfish and sometimes have little thought for how it may affect others.

when you moved out i was sad.

i was sad cause i didnt wanna be alone.

not that i loved you or anything intense.

i just didnt wanna be alone.

and then i did alot of working on myself and making bad decisions.

i never thought about being with you. we didnt have much in common. except final fantasy and kingdom hearts.

but we stayed in touch.

and you came over once. twice.

and i was lonely. i decided to ask you if we could date. i mean fuck the worst you could say is no.

but you didnt. you gave it a shot.

we threw our selves out there, and waited for it to blow up.

we had fun. we cuddled and had sex and went places and i showed you things you wouldnt have noticed and you showed me its okay to be quiet. Its okay to be silent and listen to the world.

even now i sometimes have to remind you to be silent, the world is working.

and then i lived with you at your moms, and the band was having problems, and life was beating you up.

i couldnt help. i didnt ask how, or if i could. i just didnt.

and then i moved out. and you broke up with me.

i deserved it. i wasnt really attentive. i had given up.

but i was mad. i was mad at you for leaving me again.

so i curled up in my new home that was now tainted with my anger.

for three days i bitched.

 and then you asked to come over. "to see the new place and hang out, cause we are friends"

i didnt want to see you. i didnt wanna fuck you. i was mad.

but you somehow made me say okay.

and you came over.

and apologized.

in person.

your eyes were shining when you told me it was a terrible decision.

and then you asked if i would take you back.

i thought about saying no.

letting you feel hurt like i had.

but i didnt. i said yes and held you close.

i finally found someone who wanted me for me.

we had a few weeks of getting back into a comfortable relationship.

we had a few moments of anger and pride.

but we have worked through them.

we work hard for full open communication

you bring up a girl i say how i feel about it.

i bring up a guy and i check in on how you feel.

and then

you changed your mind

and didnt tell me

until i was drunk

we went for a quick ride

and you asked

"so would you marry me?"

"i thought you didnt wanna get married"

"i changed my mind"

"when?"

"at the show in KC with he is legend"

"oh...what about the things we have talked about?"

"i dont want to change you, i want you to be you no matter what"

"alright. i cant handle that. Then yes i will marry you"

"awesome, i love you"

"i love you too"

and now i have less than 2 years to plan our wedding. Im very excited and very scared. but its gonna be great.

You are neither Dead nor Dying

Death is universal.

 All men must die.

 Death and taxes, the only two guarantees in life.

 Many people have parted this world since i came into being. Many more people are still living, fearing when they too will join the inevitable emptiness that is death.

 People try to put a fuzzy coat on death. Try to make it a good thing.

 But people are too concerned with right and wrong, good and bad.

 Life and death do not play by these rules.

 Life does what it wants, like a wanton toddler, smashing lives in its path and wondering where ever it desires.

 Death is typically a bit slower then life, if it was too fast it would catch up with life and the game would end.

 Death wanders and floats around nudging lives into its empty embrace.

 But sometimes Death is more than welcomed into a persons life. Some people just aren't ready for life brash existence. Its weird ways of doing things, the seemingly random outcomes.

 So they call for death.

 Sometimes death for others, maybe it will help their own lives some how.

 And sometimes they call death to their own doorstep.

 They ask death to come in and take them with it.

 "please death i cannot take life's nonsense any longer, i have had enough of this world. i feel unimportant, like a failure, i cant do anything right, I've made terrible choices, and this pain is too much."

 Death sometimes turns them away, it calls out to life and tell it to take care of this person, they need life.

 And then sometimes Death takes it toll.