Tragic

I hate you. but i want you. i hate him but i want him too. i dont want to lose another person. but i dont want you either
 here come tears
fucking bullshit.
i just want to be happy
i dont want to be have epiphanies everyday
i wanna live in a happy little bubble
i dont wanna think about the future
i dont wanna think about all the possiblities
i dont wanna be smart
i wanna be dumb and average
im sick of thinking and knowing

i wanna be in his arms. i want the warmth and comfort from some one i love. i want him to want me cause i am a person. not cause ill suck his dick or cause i have boobs. cause i am a breathing living person. not cause he had crazy hormones. or cause he wanted someone younger than him. or cause his girlfriend was dull. or cause he likes a certain kink.

i am sick of being loved for that sorta thing

Waiting

Have you ever waited?

For anything?

For anyone?

How long will you wait?

I have waited. Waited for a bus. Waited for a birthday.

Wait. Waiting. Waited.

Its become a chronic Problem with me

I am most willing to Wait for guys i like. I will Wait for them for a long time. I will Wait for them to dump a girl. I will wait for them to sneak away from a girl. I will wait for them even when there is nothing to wait on. Even when they have said they dont like me. Even when i know i will never be their girl. I waited. And waited. i let them have my body and be the reason i waited to  do anything.

And now?

i am not waiting. i am just here. i don't want to be with anyone. i have been single for a long while.  i feel as if i was in many relationships and in a way i was, but none of them were legitimate... i was never the girl. i was the side girl. the after thought. the girl who is for fucking and hanging out with but nothing you take home to your parents.

Due to all this i started feeling i wasn't girlfriend material, maybe fuckbuddy or just a slut. I have been carrying these feelings with me for a while...and honestly i'm not sure if its true. i mean i like to think parents like me and i like to think that i can be a good girlfriend.  i like to think i hold to the phrase " a lady on the street and a freak in the bed"

i dont know. i know i am a good friend and i balance being a woman with being a mom. and yes i know they aren't exclusive of each other, but to me they are a little different.

I guess....im done waiting. and im not going to be a twat to have sex with.
 i am a person. i am a woman. i am Faye.

and i deserve to have a person who understands that and wants me. all of me. good, bad and otherwise.

No more waiting.