ugh

yeah. life. and shit. you know?

not really.

i have a mental health meeting appt thing tomorrow/today at 3pm.

im excited to go
 ^.^

but im tired now.

ny ny

sum bitches..

So, im a cashier. and i do alot of work with people. in-case you thought i worked in a cubicle, i dont. i work behind a counter. no glass no magic alarm to summon the police. just some plywood and paint. separating me from the stupid, crazy, and insane of the public populace.

ANYWAY

so tonight i worked the long shift 2-11.

about 1030 or so a hefty black woman comes in,chatting away on her cell phone.

none of which i have an issue with,

and she jabbers on and cusses and such.

she wonders around and finally makes it back up to register.

she has gotten two monsters and a candy bar.

i scan them in and she continues her phone conversation.
she looks at her total off my machine and starts freaking out.

i look at her and jokingly say "just calm down now! i havent hit the total button yet"

on our machine if something is on sell i have to go to the final sales screen before it uses the sales or coupons.

she stops smiling and get serious. "you need to tone down talking like that to me"

Well fuck you you fat bitch. i dont think it makes a difference how much it costs if your gonna pay for it with foodstamps anyway. how the hell did you fit through our door any fucking way?

that what i wanted to say. instead i quit talking.
she paid with her debit card and left.

i am really tired of people like this.

The gay thing

I did the gay thing.  I played around, i dated, and at one point i would say i loved a girl. But i was stupid.

I love the feeling of being with another female. i loved how it felt to bring her to the point of OMG. i tottaly get why guys dig it so much. i really do.

What i dont love?
being lied to. being the OTHER girl.
i really hate being the OTHER.

i just have a terrible time with relationships i guess i didnt take them serious. but i am tired a seeing this "woman" on my facebook who barely speaks to me but at one point said she loved me.

even if i knew at the time it wasnt true and that she is about the equivalant of a manwhore. it still felt amazing when she said it. the idea another person in the world could love me was just... crazy. I suppose i still dont believe it.

but then she just dumped me. she just quit talking to me and went back to her GF and then dumper her and got with a new girl. her "wifey" W/E

yeah im mad. and jealous. but it doesnt matter what i think i guess. to me it does but not to anyone else.

basically, im just sick of reminding myself of such amazing times. and of such aweful hurt. not even a good bye or a fuck you or anything. just gone.

Whatever. i did the gay thing. and i got hurt. so. boys/girls/men/women. you ALL suck. you are ALL mean to some one at sometime. but if you gotta be mean at least be honest.

I HATE when people have an opinion on everything. i mean i do have an  opinion or thought on just about anything. but i am willing to listen and sometimes change my thoughts about things.

but some people are just absolute in their thoughts even if they are wrong. its just ridiculous.

The plane Also crashed.

I figure i oughta say a lil something bout 9/11.

First of all. i dont believe in that many coicidences.
and im not gonna say i believe god chose to save all those people.
and thats as far as a conspirist as  im gonna admit to.

yes i agree and believe it was a sad tragedy. but it also made our country rally together. we had a reason. an enemy. but we never seems to have a solid plan. "we're gonna git 'em" then what?

anyway
.
.
.
i will still pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of american.
i mean how much harm can a flag do?

i dont pray. so dont ask me to.

i will wish you well and send good vibes your way because im just picky like that.

i believe in putting out good and getting back good.
even if id rather spew black substance from the third ring of hell.

back to 9/11
a popular question/song is "Where where you?"
Me? i was in fifth grade in tenneessee just starting class. we had already said the pledge and just started working on some stuff and a teacher came into our class room and told our teacher to turn on the tv. i didnt really understand that what was going on was important. so i didnt really watch. i did more of my school work till i relized everyone was being really quiet and a few people had tears in their eyes.

i felt scared and confused. i didnt know about the twins towers before that day. i didnt know what the pentagon was. i felt left out and stupid. the whole school day was dirupted and we went out side and some one had made a huge sign that said something about 9/11 and they had all of us kids sign it.

the we all stood out side. it was a bright day and then i remember it being cloudy. it was very solemn. we all held hands and prayed. at school. together. it was very overwhelming for my young mind.

and since then i have just avoided the whole subject.

The train has crashed

Today i made some bread. and while i was kneading it my back twinged a little from the effort. I went and sat down right here at my computer and clicked around a bit while sitting up straight to relieve my back aches. and while i clicked around i founf a place in town that does massage. but the are closed on sunday (my hate for sundays will be fully explained at a later date) and i am very busy on manday cause i have a between-the-legs check-up and i have to work.

so i got to thinking about WHY my back hurt. well i recenty went to a mental heath place to solve my anger issues. they told me medication wouldnt really help because my ANGER stems from ABUSE! can you imagine that? me? ABUSE? i was suprised about calling it that but yeah. it was abuse.

so i got to thinking about other ways to cure my anger and pain. so i figured if i shared my thoughts and rant and rages some where i could feel better.

writing therapy. how cliche'. and yeah that apostrophe was supposed to go OVER the stupid e. but im not french and thus dont know how to make the keyboard do that. i can make it do that in msn but everywhere else i just cant figure it out...

ANYWAY!!!!

i will attempt to keep this entertaining.

and brief...ish.

:v drunk pac-man is drunk.

<3